Sunday, September 25, 2011

Fall Equinox Musings



The things that we think we cannot do, are in fact the very things we need to do. Those things are the gateways to finding yourself, and challenging us to grow ever deeper. When you feel the feeling of turning inside out, exposing your most secret vulnerabilities...THIS is the key, the ancient secret that has embedded itself inside your soul so you may evolve, learn, and thrive. It is the very edge of who you are, beyond which lies the sacred unknown. When the pain begins to surface and you feel the inner most part of your gut screaming that you can't...THIS is when you need to stand up and walk right into it. Over and over until it does not hurt anymore.

Inside you lies a secret garden. A garden inside a box that has been locked with a key. A key YOU have fashioned out of your defenses, your beliefs, and fears. You guard this place with your very life. Exposing it can feel like a slow death. Yet death is the only thing that will allow this secret place to see the light of day. To rise out of you so it can become reality. Death is an ally. It asks you to allow the death of what no longer serves you. The death of what holds you back.

The only scary monsters that are real are the ones that live inside your mind. Haunting you day and night making you believe you cannot help yourself. Causing you to believe that you are a victim of something far more powerful than yourself. When in fact it is YOU who has created it, YOU who has believed it alive. You are the hero hunting the part of you that needs to be killed in order to ascend. You are the hunter AND the prey. You are the beloved seeking love not outside yourself, but within. You can only let that in when you allow that far away place within you to be seen, to be birthed inside you and then birthed outside you. We are all the Goddess creating over and over, impregnating ourselves with truths that we give life to, that we make love to in order to conceive what we believe we deserve.

It feels like you are watching yourself melt away. Losing everything you thought you were, only to find yourself on the other side. It's like watching fire burn the bones of your essence, only to find yourself stronger when you rise from the ash - rebuilt into a strengthened structure more alive then bone. It is a shaman death, a transformation, transmuted from the deepest pain, your greatest fears, and the monsters you have allowed to live within your inner closet. These are your gate keepers, these are your guardians, this is your initiation.

Most people want to seek the mysteries out in the world, they want to explore the ancient places, find the answers, and be the one who solves the great puzzles and enigmas. They want to contribute to saving the world, yet they cannot save themselves from their own sabotage and self destruction. The temples are empty without you. The mysteries are meaningless without your life force. The world will never change if you cannot.

There is a symbol deep inside you in the center of your secret garden buried deep within and guarded by your fears, insecurities, and hate. In order to find it you must face what you have created within yourself. No one can do this for you. No one can tell you how.... the ones who have done it can only watch and pray for you. They can only hold the space for you. They cannot do anything else except hold the light and send you love. They know they had to do it themselves, and they know you do as well. They can only ask you WHO ARE YOU? and let you answer that for yourself. This IS the great secret of life.

It is like being an artist without a way to express their creativity. It is like a new born baby who cannot find its first breath. It is like an author who cannot find the right words to write anything. It is like the body wanting to dance to the most beautiful music and yet stays sitting. It is like the greatest love offering itself to you and you denying it.


You are at war. At war within yourself. Fighting the very things you must to enter the sacred temple. Making peace with your own ugliness is the only way to enter. Accepting yourself for who you are all the way through, being brutally honest with your actions, wants, desires, and talents. This is how you create power, love, and this is how you change the world. When you stop fighting what guards the sacred space within you, that is when it opens up to you.

No one will ever save you except yourself. YOU are the messiah returning. YOU are the star beings returning. Your cosmic perspective, your ability to BE more, to love more, to live more, your ability to FEEL more is the only way moving forward that one will be able to survive.

This is the point. It is so much easier to blame someone else, to dismiss, to reject, to find solace in your work, to give in to who you perceive yourself to be, bury yourself in your addictions....but eventually you will come full circle again to the same door. That's because the path is a circle...not a straight line. We forget no one, we do not leave anything. It is always right there. Waiting to help us transform, to evolve, to live stronger, to be brighter.

Your love is the only protection you will ever need. Your honesty with self is the only way out.

Here is your breath, here is your canvas, here are your words. Use them, and live them alive. Let your pain transform you. Let your fears birth you into your secret garden. Unlock the door and walk straight in. Find your symbol and make it a talisman. Imbue it with all of you and everything you have. This is the alchemy of the philosophers stone. You do not need anyone to give you the secret, it is right there inside you all along. The journey to find it will be the most difficult you will ever take. It will be painful, you will feel like you are dying, that someone has sucked the life out of you, and here is where most give up the search and fall prey to themselves in the forms of giving their power away, or in addictions or dysfunctional living. Here is where the comfort zone captures you and holds you prisoner.

Harvest yourself until there is nothing left. Here and only here can you rebuild the soil, and lay naked in the dirt as YOU, and no one else. Here is where you make peace with your own soul by realizing who you are. HERE is were you birth new seeds. Here is where you plant what you want. You do this anyway, mostly unconsciously. But when you CHOOSE what to plant while awake, aware and alive....this is when you create more powerfully because you are the living symbol...you ARE the talisman.

Stop trying to please everyone by being who you are not. Stop trying to always be polite when underneath you feel rage and sadness. Stop pretending to love when you only love select things and hate all else. Open your eyes and see yourself for what you are. See your false face in the mirror and tell it you no longer need to wear it. Let the superficial nicety slip away and float down the river. Give yourself permission to be real. Flow down the river until you drown and then join the river as one.

The time of anything less is over. Once you find yourself, you then must seek yourself out in others, in the reflections each person who stands before us brings. They are like a sacred offering to your soul. They give you a mirror to see more about yourself. The things within you that still need to be healed, that still cry out painfully waiting for you to heal. The reflection you see in others is the reflection you see in yourself. When you can see all as beauty, then you will know you see yourself as beauty.

When one person sees themselves whole in another THIS is when the world changes. When a broken person finds a broken person, it is to mirror to what needs healing within. When one scared and lonely person finds another, this is to show them how scared and lonely they really are and what needs to change. When one empowered and whole human being who lives in their secret garden and IS their own imbued sacred symbol finds another, the power of this will alter dimensions, change worlds, and open bridges to the most incredible places. But all your fears must be defeated, all your insecurities healed, all of your inner demons and monsters conquered. You must be willing to turn yourself inside out and expose your greatest vulnerabilities in faith and trust and know that nothing can ever defeat you except you.

The great forces at work in the world, are also at work within you. You can change the outside by changing the inside.

There is no more time to fall victim to yourself and your lessened perception of who you really are.


Love,
Hillary


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