Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Fuzzy Moments

I sit back today and look out my window. Thinking about where my life has taken me. I wonder at the chances, the blind leaps, the failures, all the mixtures of moments I have made in my life up until now. The choices I have made, the things I regret, all of the moments I have had up until now to rethink, explore and hold in my mind like a photo of times now past.
I look around and wonder how I got here. What is 'here' and where does it officially stand anyway. I began a radio show a few weeks ago, and as I bring a guest on and have a conversation with each of them, I realize how different all the shows sound. The energy of the shows change with every guest. Each one brings a nugget of gold into my life and very carefully I have lined up in front of me each nugget and am now looking at them one by one.
Now what?

Where am I going with it? What am I supposed to do? I have a completely booked show for the rest of the year, I have two more networks airing my program...is anyone even listening?
I laugh at the thought, because every show I wonder..is anyone really out there?.

Recently I interviewed my own hero, John St. Augustine, radio talk show extraordinaire...and I was so nervous, I completely botched his intro, which was re-recorded thanks to my gifted producer Bill. I was so taken by being in his presence. When I read his story ' Living an Uncommon Life', there were so many sentences that jumped off the page at me. So many similar thoughts have traveled through my mind these last few weeks as I navigate this new world of talk radio. I keep thinking about something he said to me on the air...

"You're doing what everyone else is doing"

Of course the context was in relation to what we were talking about...but that sentence keeps coming back to me over and over. Like a loudspeaker in my head.

As I sat today, working in my office, multi-tasking...I desperately need to hire a personal assistant! It hit me. I need to be my OWN unique gift to the world. Yes I'm trained in this and that. Yes I do things similar to others...there are a ton of people out there in the holistic community doing what I do...everyone is talking about empowerment, changing your beliefs, creating a new life. I thought about John's sentence, his voice echoed endlessly in my head, our conversation was staying with me, at first I thought it was because I so admire him. I look up to him and his story completely, especially so now that I'm in the radio world.
Now that radio has entered my life I LOVE what I do. I love talking to my guests and with each conversation...something is said that may help someone, may ignite light somewhere. Even if its just that one person listening...maybe it has been of service.

I can only hope that is the case.
I think about all the times in my life I have failed. Business ventures, careers, relationships, even myself to a certain extent. I think about my own experiences. My own story because that is what is unique. My story isn't like everyone's, and everyone's isn't like anyone's. That is our gift!

The question then becomes...then what! You know your story, you've lived it. Now what? Who cares? What is it all for?

They say, the enlightened masters in the world out there, that everything happens for a reason. If that's true..then everything we have experienced has been for a reason. All of it. Everything that has happened in my life has a purpose. Yours too!

There are times when it is very clear. I can see it, touch it and I know without a doubt I am meant to do what I do. My whole life has lead up to this. Helping others heal. Because I have had to heal from so much in my life, that's all I really know. Is healing. Pain was the main theme of my life for so long, I became so tired of hurting inside...so filled with sadness and hurt from an abusive childhood, dysfunctional adolescence, and a fast paced lost young adulthood...I knew if I didn't start dealing with what I had been through, it would overcome me, and I would give in to the pain, and lose my battle with life.

As I began to move out into the world as a teacher, teaching Reiki, and other holistic modalities...I realized I could read peoples energy fields like a book. I had spent so many years learning about my own with various teachers, in various settings, that when I worked with someone, or was teaching...I could feel much more than I expected.

I fought it, doubted it, wished it away...denied it the best I could. Explained it away as a imaginary wish. But it was all very real and very true.

John's words came back to me and I thought about what he said. You're doing what everyone else is doing...and of course he was talking about the beautiful movement in the world today that has to do with raising consciousness and awareness. That is causing us to take responsibility for our lives and our healing...the main theme of my talk show. The very reason why I created it.

But for me it has had much more of an impact. We talked about words..voices..finding our own song. And it hit me again...what is my song? and what makes it unique? If all the birds in the world sang the same tune..we would never look up to see what kind of bird was making that sound...or wonder what colors their feathers were. Would we even stop to listen?

Again..there is that question..is anyone out there listening? As a talk radio host..a newbie..someone with not one ounce of broadcasting experience behind them, that thought goes through my mind all the time now.
Yet my producers believe in me...my show is successfully booked with some of the most amazing guests..I'm honored to be able to speak with them..each hour is an incredible gift. Ive syndicated to two new networks..after only 6 shows.
Why is there this feeling inside me still that says I am still missing something. A piece of the puzzle. There is something just out of reach, just beyond my grasp that I cant quite figure out.

So I sit. And wait. Open to what it all means. Spirit has never failed me. I may have failed spirit occasionally by doubting myself, wanting to quit when times got tough. But like the moon shining overhead each night...like a faithful companion..spirit has always delivered a meaning eventually.

Many of you have asked me why radio...I have a successful Reiki practice, I love what I do..I travel the world..I have a beautiful family..my answer is this. I do it because it was explained very clearly to me by spirit that I had too. That it was part of the plan. Whatever that is. Because at times it is like driving down a dark road...you are pushed forward by an engine of sorts, your headlights only illuminate roughly five feet in front of you, you trust that the road is there and it leads somewhere...even if you cant see it yet. So that's what radio is for me right now. I have no idea what this is all for. I have no idea if anyone is listening? I have no idea if I'm doing it right or not....
I'm just being myself.

I know there is a key lying in John's words for me. I have to figure out what makes me different. As we all do. All of us have to figure out what our uniqueness is and put it out there to the world.

A funny thought came to me the other day while I was watching my sons baseball game. It was extremely hot, and there was this tree that was releasing all these white fuzzes..and because I have no idea what kind of tree it was...they are called fuzzy trees for now.
Each fuzzy had a seed. It looked like it was snowing in June. As I sat on the bleacher..I watched the air filled with seeds. Each one floating towards their destination..wherever that may be. Each one held the promise of life and creation. Each one carried the exact same potential as the other, but all of them took different paths. Maybe some landed in soil where it could grow..maybe others landed where it was impossible to grow..unless the wind blew it elsewhere.

I held my hand out and one landed on my hand. The seed hung there like a precious white nothing. A blank page. Powerful and potent. The mother tree was a huge tree..very old and beautiful. The fuzzes were everywhere....so many seeds. So many possibilities. So many chances. They all had the same genetic code..to become a fuzzy generating tree. To reach their fullest potential..to reach high into the sky and spread potential. Carrying on the gift of life and hope.

Each seed however, had something unique. Each seed had something that made them special. Their journey. We are all a seed seeking our fullest potential. We are all on a journey. All of us come from a source that is the essence of our highest potential and we each carry the codes to reach just that. But the only thing that makes us truly unique..is our own experiences. Our journey.

When I first moved out into the public eye, I carefully censored what part of my life was made public. I didn't want my journey to be part of it. I shared pieces here and there..but selectively and carefully. Discretion is important...but what I have realized, thanks to John's words...is that in order to make myself unique, I need to work my own story into my work and with what I do.
It needs to be part of my message...my song.

So thank you John. I see the reason why I crossed paths with you...it was a much needed ingredient for the bigger picture. Not to be afraid of sharing my own story into the work that I do. That is what makes me unique...like one of those fuzzes.

When the fuzzy landed in my hand I watched it and then blew it out beyond the bleachers and watched it as it landed into the grass. Without crossing paths with me, it may not have gotten that push of wind to be floated elsewhere. So John...you were that wind for me..

I have always said to you all...you never know how your interaction with someone will change someone. It always changes you. Good, bad or indifferent...any interaction between life and life changes things forever.

So this blog entry is dedicated to John St. Augustine. Whose conversation as my guest on my show, was the catalyst I needed to figure out another piece of the never ending mysterious puzzle of self.

When our conversation was over and we closed the show..I felt blessed by his presence. By his words and how much they guide me to see life differently, to keep trying, to move forward always towards what you believe in and trust that it is all ultimately for something.

Until next time everyone...
Hillary

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